I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
