Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
