1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
