so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
