So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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