What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
