When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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