sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
