Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
