I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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