did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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