omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
