the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize
