I've blown a few things in my day
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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