2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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