im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
