I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
