HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She bit a glass in half.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
