woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
