dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
