my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
