Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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