she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
