I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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