im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
They took my balls.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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