Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
