Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Boobs speak an international language.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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