a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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