I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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