Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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