Soap is not a condiment
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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