If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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