It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
