I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Randomize
