i wish there were pregnant emoticons
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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