you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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