I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
well, you know. whores of a feather.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
