this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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