remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
