I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
