And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
