My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Randomize
