We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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