I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
love makes seman taste better
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
