it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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