sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
