Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
