Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
