was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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