Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
